I’m afraid of losing my mind. Not in the popular sense, the tossed off turn of phrase. “A clean desk is a sign of a sick mind.” “Of all the things I miss, it’s my mind I miss the most.” This is a fear that sometimes keeps me awake at night and the kind that can inspire nightmares. That prompts panic attacks over forgotten words and misplaced keys. That makes me ache with worry when I realize I don’t like something as much now as I once did. I don’t do as many “brainy” things as I used to – …
Tag: dementia
“Walk me down the aisle, Daddy, it’s just about time; Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don’t cry.” Dear Dad, I turned 26 yesterday. I had a party last weekend and got drunk on Brazilian cocktails. Grandpa and Grandma sent me flowers, a delivered arrangement, like they have every year since I was 19. The flowers were roses this year, pink and white. I had a birthday yesterday. Did you even notice? The last birthday card I ever got from you came in a business size envelope. You used the letter wizard in Word, probably, and sent me …
I woke up this morning feeling ancient. Stretched so thin, I’m probably transparent, so much without substance that I fear if I were to go outside, I would blow away or dissolve in the rain. My father died when I was 18, seven years ago, when I was a freshman in college. That’s when the dementia had destroyed enough of his brain to destroy the man I knew as my father. Dad was a laid-back sort of guy, with a sweet smile and an easy sense of humor. He loved music and technology and boats, was a championship marksman, enjoyed …
“The lion killed the tiger. Which one it is dead?” He was standing uncomfortably close to me while I finished one box of cereal and opened a new one. “We leave at 8:30 when Mom, Kathy takes me.” “Right. But my watch says its 8:15, so I still have time for breakfast.” “8:15 is what my watch says, too.” A pause. “Will you come in with me?” “No. I’ll drop you off at church, and then I’ll be back to pick you up at noon.” I’m fishing for a spoon out of the dish drainer because he’s leaning on the …