Tag: grief

family, Seasons

Quiet so Suddenly

 

Or maybe it’s not so sudden, really… I’m going to give myself permission to not keep up here for the rest of the month. Despite all my best intentions and even remembering to take pictures, I’m just not posting as much as I wanted to. Life is like that, sometimes. I’ll be back in September, after my grandfather’s memorial, after blueberry season, after this sprained ankle allows me to walk again, after peach canning, and after the first day of school. Be well, where ever you are.

Seasons

Gravity wins

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At breakfast this morning, we admired the first of the three amaryllis flowers which had opened overnight. The petals were creamy, streaked with light red (not pink, mind you, light red). It hadn’t opened all the way, only about half, so looking at it full on made me think more of trumpets then stars. The second flower probably would have opened tonight. Amaryllises are ridiculous flowers. You take a bulb the size of a medium onion and put it in pot. Sometime later, it sends up a fat stalk and then unfurls huge, super-saturated flowers, roughly the size of a …

family, Introspection
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I’m afraid of losing my mind. Not in the popular sense, the tossed off turn of phrase. “A clean desk is a sign of a sick mind.” “Of all the things I miss, it’s my mind I miss the most.” This is a fear that sometimes keeps me awake at night and the kind that can inspire nightmares. That prompts panic attacks over forgotten words and misplaced keys. That makes me ache with worry when I realize I don’t like something as much now as I once did. I don’t do as many “brainy” things as I used to – …

Caitlyn, family
 

It’s only a problem some days. Caitlyn’s school is in a room in the lower level of a Catholic school attached to a church. St. Joe’s has a lovely big white building, and if we get close enough, soon enough, we often get to listen to the bells tolling noon. Last year, we watched the lengthy process of stained glass window restoration/installation. But sometimes when we walk past the church to school, we walk past a bit of church life. If people would get married or christened at noon on a weekday, it wouldn’t be such a big deal, but …

family
 

I don’t think I like grief. It’s unpredictable, illogical. If somehow my eyes don’t burn, my stomach hurts instead, and if I’m actually having a moment of physical peace, I’m uneasy in my mind because I simply don’t know what to do. This wasn’t supposed to affect me like this. It’s not like there was a car accident, something swift and sudden, leaving us all shocked. This went on for years, longer than even the doctors thought it would. We said goodbye by degrees, brain cell by disappearing brain cell, always a one-way conversation, over and over and over again. …